A coworker and I used to eat lunch out somewhat frequently, and we developed a list of requirements for restaurants. Most of them are Rules for Waiters. I wrote them down and subsequently lost the list, but I’ll update this as I remember them.
- The Recovery Zone: There shall be an 8″ area on the outside of the table. When you’re done with something, put it there, and the staff will swoop it up without stopping to talk to you.
- Waiters shall not ask, “Do you need change?” when you pay with cash. It’s presumptious and annoying to think you’re going to get the rest of the money. It is acceptable, however, to break the change bills into smaller denominations.
- Waiters shall not take your glass away to refill it. What happens if you need to drink while they’re gone? What happens if they forget which glass is yours? Waiters shall bring new filled glasses, and then take your old glass away.
- The waiter must always bring a glass of ice water if the customer only orders coffee.
- There shall be a separate window for pickup orders.
- There shall be separate parking for pickup orders.
- And you know how there are reserved parking for the handicapped, and expectant mothers? That’s civilized. There shall also be funny reserved signs (e.g., “Likes Pepsi more than Coke,” “Can’t sing,” “Eats all the cheese dip,” “Snores violently,” etc.,) for all the other spots, just for the hell of it.